"Misbehavior" Lessons from the Trenches

So these are the experiences I've had and lessons I've learned from my kids over the past 24 years:

1st child: oldest, compliant, "Miss Behavior." My lesson: not letting the compliant, quiet kids get lost by having a system of monitoring participation (checklist) and assigning roles in group work, providing a safe environment by emphasizing Relationship, Respect, and Responsibility.

2nd daughter, Rachael: died in a car wreck in 2001. My lesson: The effects of tragedy on kids (changes in behavior are indicators), be a good listener.

Oldest son: provocative, confrontational, ADD. My lesson: patience, endurance, separating the child from the behavior, model and teach appropriate personal interaction skills and conflict resolution strategies.

Middle child: defiant, lives in the moment. My lesson: relationship, self-assessment strategies, teach goal-setting skills.

Youngest son: The effect of peers and his older brother, identity conflict. My lesson:  providing opportunities for personal growth, teach self-assessment strategies.

6th child: Quick to anger, unteachable. My lesson: calm response, keep to the topic, teach problem-solving skills.

Baby: over-achiever, messy. My lesson: teaching leadership skills (so over-achievers can help without offending others), communicate expectations, have positive interactions (making deposits) to teach expectations, and have realistic expectations of the person (remember they are learners too). 

In an article about how the faith community can address poverty, Ruby Payne defines the resources that change thinking and build human capacity to be: self-sustaining, promote well-being, navigate any environment, give to others, and grow. The top three resources are diverse relationships, personal experiences, and education. Every person needs these resources to survive and flourish in this 21st century society. These are woven throughout my philosophy of and plan for dealing with misbehavior.

My kids have shaped how I see misbehavior, how I respond to misbehavior, and how I process misbehavior. As I read back on the descriptions about what I've learned I realize, like any romance novel, it gives a hollow representation, an incomplete picture. Missing are the mistakes and failures that led to the learning, and there are many. I have offended, neglected, mistreated, and failed my husband and kids more than any other person. I guess I am their training ground for dealing with the misbehavior of others.

Misbehavior is part of growing up (which I am still working on). Some of my most vivid memories from high school are from lessons I learned from my own misbehavior. Maturity comes from the lessons learned. It is an opportunity for learning and growing (for the student too). This view of misbehavior shapes how I respond and how I process misbehavior.

Relationship shapes my response to a student who misbehaves. I am still dealing with my own misbehavior, and remembering that helps me to separate the child from the behavior in order to keep a positive relationship. How I manage the moment, my initial response, impacts our relationship for good or bad. It also impacts the student's receptiveness of instruction. There are several key strategies for addressing misbehavior that I have learned that facilitate a receptive attitude: keeping a calm demeanor, not accusing or condemning, not using threats, using gentle but firm words, not making a spectacle, and affirming our relationship.

Misbehavior ranges so widely, yet the process of leading students through a reflective evaluation is common to many. This process is appropriate for Awareness, Habitual/Purposeful, and some Attention type misbehavior. It begins with the student communicating the facts (Just the facts, sir). It is important for students to see the facts and not assign motive to other people's actions, or justifications for their actions. The next step is for the student to communicate her need/motivation; what result did she want, why did she misbehave? Many times it is difficult for students to communicate because they have never thought about why they do things. Creating a third-party story of the events and asking questions about why the person in the story did what they did can help students with limited communication skills answer this question. The third step is to evaluate why their solution is not acceptable. This ties in to my three R's of the classroom: Relationship, Respect, and Responsibility. Misbehavior will conflict with one of these class foundations. The fourth step is to develop other  approaches or options for meeting their need; options that don't violate the class foundations. The final step is for the student to pick an approach that she will try the next time.


Relationship, communicating expectations (like the three R's), experience, and having a plan are keys to effectively dealing with misbehavior. Raising seven (not done yet) kids has been my training ground for developing a relational and instructional behavior management strategy.