"Misbehavior" Lessons from the Trenches

So these are the experiences I've had and lessons I've learned from my kids over the past 24 years:

1st child: oldest, compliant, "Miss Behavior." My lesson: not letting the compliant, quiet kids get lost by having a system of monitoring participation (checklist) and assigning roles in group work, providing a safe environment by emphasizing Relationship, Respect, and Responsibility.

2nd daughter, Rachael: died in a car wreck in 2001. My lesson: The effects of tragedy on kids (changes in behavior are indicators), be a good listener.

Oldest son: provocative, confrontational, ADD. My lesson: patience, endurance, separating the child from the behavior, model and teach appropriate personal interaction skills and conflict resolution strategies.

Middle child: defiant, lives in the moment. My lesson: relationship, self-assessment strategies, teach goal-setting skills.

Youngest son: The effect of peers and his older brother, identity conflict. My lesson:  providing opportunities for personal growth, teach self-assessment strategies.

6th child: Quick to anger, unteachable. My lesson: calm response, keep to the topic, teach problem-solving skills.

Baby: over-achiever, messy. My lesson: teaching leadership skills (so over-achievers can help without offending others), communicate expectations, have positive interactions (making deposits) to teach expectations, and have realistic expectations of the person (remember they are learners too). 

In an article about how the faith community can address poverty, Ruby Payne defines the resources that change thinking and build human capacity to be: self-sustaining, promote well-being, navigate any environment, give to others, and grow. The top three resources are diverse relationships, personal experiences, and education. Every person needs these resources to survive and flourish in this 21st century society. These are woven throughout my philosophy of and plan for dealing with misbehavior.

My kids have shaped how I see misbehavior, how I respond to misbehavior, and how I process misbehavior. As I read back on the descriptions about what I've learned I realize, like any romance novel, it gives a hollow representation, an incomplete picture. Missing are the mistakes and failures that led to the learning, and there are many. I have offended, neglected, mistreated, and failed my husband and kids more than any other person. I guess I am their training ground for dealing with the misbehavior of others.

Misbehavior is part of growing up (which I am still working on). Some of my most vivid memories from high school are from lessons I learned from my own misbehavior. Maturity comes from the lessons learned. It is an opportunity for learning and growing (for the student too). This view of misbehavior shapes how I respond and how I process misbehavior.

Relationship shapes my response to a student who misbehaves. I am still dealing with my own misbehavior, and remembering that helps me to separate the child from the behavior in order to keep a positive relationship. How I manage the moment, my initial response, impacts our relationship for good or bad. It also impacts the student's receptiveness of instruction. There are several key strategies for addressing misbehavior that I have learned that facilitate a receptive attitude: keeping a calm demeanor, not accusing or condemning, not using threats, using gentle but firm words, not making a spectacle, and affirming our relationship.

Misbehavior ranges so widely, yet the process of leading students through a reflective evaluation is common to many. This process is appropriate for Awareness, Habitual/Purposeful, and some Attention type misbehavior. It begins with the student communicating the facts (Just the facts, sir). It is important for students to see the facts and not assign motive to other people's actions, or justifications for their actions. The next step is for the student to communicate her need/motivation; what result did she want, why did she misbehave? Many times it is difficult for students to communicate because they have never thought about why they do things. Creating a third-party story of the events and asking questions about why the person in the story did what they did can help students with limited communication skills answer this question. The third step is to evaluate why their solution is not acceptable. This ties in to my three R's of the classroom: Relationship, Respect, and Responsibility. Misbehavior will conflict with one of these class foundations. The fourth step is to develop other  approaches or options for meeting their need; options that don't violate the class foundations. The final step is for the student to pick an approach that she will try the next time.


Relationship, communicating expectations (like the three R's), experience, and having a plan are keys to effectively dealing with misbehavior. Raising seven (not done yet) kids has been my training ground for developing a relational and instructional behavior management strategy.

My Misbehavior

In my Classroom Management class we are reading Ruby Payne's book, A Framework for Understanding Poverty. Chapter 9 compares criticism and encouragement to withdrawals from and deposits to an account. Our deposits should far out-weigh our withdrawals in order to build a healthy account (relationship). As I was reading an entry on our group discussion board about this chapter, I was hit with the realization that I was not applying this to my youngest daughter. She is an amazing girl: in her school practices she is internally motivated, self-directed, and very conscientious. Yet, at home, she is rather messy and clumsy. Being the youngest of seven, I'm not really sure she has had the direct training as her older siblings. I tend to nag and get frustrated (a nice word for angry): withdrawals. A lot of withdrawals. I realize that I am trying to make her be something and not seeing my responsibility to train her (again). Instead of sending her to her room to clean it (again), I need to go into the trenches with her (deposit) and help her filter through the mess, help her organize it, and talk to her about how to keep it clean. I need to be more conscious around the house to follow up on her projects, to train her to clean up after she's finished. Do her projects with her (deposit). I need to train without the negative, angry tones that increase the magnitude of the withdrawals.
So what does this have to do with becoming a teacher? I'm pretty sure there will be students like my youngest. I expect more from them without a real basis for my expectations. Or it will be that I've gone over it enough that they should have it by now. I have to keep in mind that all moments are learning moments. Patience means keeping a teaching perspective at all times.

My Misbehavior Experiences III

When a child enters the magical age of teen-hood, does their ability to think rationally automatically switch off? Any time my 14 year-old daughter and I disagree, I realize how bullies behave. She is abusive, defines her life by the event at hand, and must have her way regardless of the cost. I would characterize her frame of mind as a blind rage. As I read Ruby Payne's book, A Framework for Understanding Poverty, and several of her articles, I recognized similarities between my daughter's thinking and behaviors and hidden rules among those in poverty. I think these are common to the adolescent phase. Some kids are more demonstrative than others.
In her fit-of-rage, as I lovingly call it, she is believing and acting on three things:

1. No sense of anything else but the issue at hand: forgotten our relationship
2. No sense of the future; living in the moment: forgotten other good things in her life
3. No sense of how to solve the problem/conflict: yelling and abusive language is her only resource

So, the big questions are: How do I manage the moment? and How do I train for the future?
In the heat-of-the-moment:

1. I remind her of our relationship. I am not her enemy and I want to help her find a win-win solution. I try to help her find what she is really afraid of and how we can work towards a solution.
2. I remind her of long-term benefits and consequences. I try to help her visualize the future in a positive light and look past the conflict that fills her whole field of vision and see the hopeful things beyond it.
3. I remind her that hurting me won't get the result she wants, but the opposite. I describe another approach that could get the results she wants.

Training for the future came as the opportunity presented itself. I would talk to my daughter as we cleaned the kitchen after dinner about what I felt when she yelled at me, and how she could have approached the situation differently. I would talk to her about how I deal with the rage I feel towards others when I don't get what I want. I realize that as a parent and a teacher I have to be more proactive and intentional in equipping my kids, both at home and in the classroom, to solve problems with effective, win-win strategies.
I'm not much on role-playing, but it might fit in a lesson on conflict management skills.

1. Students can begin the lesson by writing about a conflict they have seen or been a part of.
2. I can show a video clip of a TV show or movie conflict.
3. Students can work in groups and talk about what the problem is on both sides of the conflict, how they are trying to solve the conflict, if their solution will produce the results they want, and if students can come up with a different/better strategy for both sides.
4. Then have students role-play their strategy.

In the third step, having students look at both sides helps me as a teacher see how they perceive the authority/stronger side of the argument and how I might approach the situation differently and more effectively. OMG, I need to ask my daughter if there is a better way to respond to her that would help her response. Always learning!

My Misbehavior Eucation II

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...
Princess Bride

 I only thought my preparation for teaching in high school came through my oldest son. As I continue to raise my (several) children with each child's individual strengths and weaknesses, I realize that I am learning to love and interact relationally in as many different ways. I have a child who we, my husband and I, have tried to guide and for the last three years, she has blown by every road block we place in front of her. We remind her of our love for her and our experiences of cause and effect, and that we are not trying to rob her of a fun and fulfilling life, but are trying to protect her. She has graduated high school. She will attend a local college and will live at home. We had pretty much told her that we are taking our hands off her, for her to make her own choices. Our only stipulation was to be honest with us. We've been struggling with her in that over the last months.

Romans 7:23-25

New King James Version (NKJV)

²³ But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. ²⁴ O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ²⁵ I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.

This Bible quote is me! I battle against my sin, too often giving in to it. Thoughts, feelings, and impulses sneak up on me and putting them to death requires diligence and faith.

Back to the story. It came to a head recently when the deceit involved a friend who is a tenth grader. I had an opportunity to interact with a child not my own, in the same way I have learned to interact with my own child: relationally. I am acquainted with her mom enough to know that she loves her, trains her, and disciplines her. I told the daughter as I took her home that the questions I was going to ask were probably offensive. Then, I asked her the questions I ask my own children:

Do you think your mom is stupid?
Do you think she wants to rob you of a fun and fulfilling life?
Does she love you?

I told her that:

• I didn't judge her, because I am just like her (see the quote from Romans and my commentary) , struggling with choices and making poor ones.
• Being a teenager is difficult, but that her biggest support is her mom.
• Her mom was trying to protect her from mistakes she had made and the consequences they were having to live with.

I talked way too much and should have worded the questions so they were not rhetorical, but invited discussion. I don't think she was feeling very talkative though. I don't know what impact this experience will have on her. We've been at it with my daughter for three years, so I know one experience will probably not change her life. I do think she has food for thought, and possibly a new perspective to consider.

What skills necessary for effectively managing student behavior does this demonstrate ? I think it demonstrates that I see misbehavior as an opportunity for learning. I think the lessons we learn from our experiences/mistakes make a deeper impact than many of our successes. And we ALL make mistakes. I ask questions to help kids analyze the situation. I want them to be aware of their thinking and what their actions say about themselves and what they communicate to others.

Cooperative Learning

Being able to preform technical skills ... are valuable, but of little use if the person cannot apply those skills in cooperative interaction with other people ...

 (An Overview of Cooperative Learning, Johnson & Johnson)

As a parent, my goal is to prepare my children for life: to be active community members contributing according to their personal strengths. My goal as a teacher cannot be less. Research has demonstrated that cooperative learning benefits students not only in achievement, but in positive relationships and self-esteem as well. The key elements of cooperative learning are Interdependence, Individual Accountability, Interpersonal Skills, and Group Processing (Johnson & Johnson).

How that will look.

The classroom will be set-up so group members can interact without interfering with other groups.

 Small-group Boundaries

• Noise-noise level for group work is 2; noise level for class discussion is 3
• Roles-each team member will be assigned a role and required to fulfill the responsibilities of that role
• Movement-exceptions to the regular boundaries will be noted in the Procedures section of the unit project

Interpersonal skills will be taught with direct instruction.

• Communication/Listening
• Conflict resolution
• Constructive Criticism

 Interdependence: will be evaluated through the following

• Participation checklist-to evaluate student cooperation, leadership, communication, conflict resolution, productivity
• Role responsibility-students are assigned roles (i.e. Recorder, Speaker, Facilitator)
• Individual progress for all team members produces team bonus points

Individual Accountability: will be evaluated through the following

• Individual summative assessments
• Evaluate individual role performance (Participation checklist)

Group Processing: students will describe the strenghts and weaknesses of each aspect of the Unit in a

• Unit evaluation
• Group evaluation
• Peer and self evaluation

Troubleshooting

• Team members not getting along-do not move, but provide extra guidance on interpersonal skills. This is a learning opportunity. Incorporate rewards for most productive teams/groups.
• Misbehavior-Include behavior issues in daily participation check list.
• Noise-quiet the room and remind of the voice level allowed.
• Absences-share responsibilities of absent student; group members make notes to catch students up on missed content.

My misbehavior education

When I tell people that I am in graduate school to be a high school math teacher, often I get the response, "High school! Why?" The underlying question is, "Why would anyone choose to be cooped up with teenagers for hours every day, under legal obligations to have them learn math?" My response is always, "I was trained by a Marine."

Jordan, my oldest son, third child of seven, is now a Marine. Jordan has ADD, is confrontational, harsh, passionate, physical, extrinsically motivated, and really smart. These are all things that make him a good Marine. (He is also tender, loving, funny, and really smart.) In January of his 7th grade year, I started home-schooling him through high school. From his 8th grade year on I had 3 to 5 siblings home-schooling as well.

During those years, I learned several valuable lessons:

• Don't take attacks personally (even if it is intended personally)
• Separate the behavior from the child
• Building relationship is key
• A harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle word turns away wrath
• Remind him of my love for him
• Remind him that what I am doing is for his benefit (not mine)
• Give him some autonomy
• Focus on positive feedback
• Consequences should be proportional and directly related to  misbehavior
• Don't threaten with consequences you're not willing to follow through
• Rome wasn't built in a day: change takes time and work
• The goal is not retribution, but change (=instruction)

How does this translate into how I am prepared to deal with misbehavior in the classroom?

I think I have realistic expectations of the classroom. I am familiar with misbehavior and the shock that comes with some of it. I don't "freak-out" quickly.  As an illustration, a friend of our family came up to me at a soccer game and said he had something for me. I held out my hand and he transferred a buzzing insect from his hand to mine. I accepted the "gift," and after an appropriate (dramatic) amount of time, I opened my hand and a carpenter bee flew away. He looked at me like, "What the heck?" And I responded, "Jordan's mom!" I've experienced some pretty extreme behavior and I know that it is a teaching opportunity, not a personal failure.

I am relational in dealing with misbehavior. My goal in dealing with students is to help them develop behaviors that will help them succeed and I tell them that. I describe the behavior that is not acceptable, why it is not acceptable, what is an acceptable/beneficial behavior, and why it is beneficial. Communicating my care for them and a desire for them to succeed is a natural part of this process. Often this requires me keeping my anger in check; I can hear myself begin with anger and negativity and have to make a conscious decision to separate the behavior and the child and remember my relationship with the child.

I understand the need to have a plan and a system. The plan has to be developed on facts and not feelings, it needs to be appropriate, and it needs to be instructional. I have had too many times where I blurted out some half-conceived threat to only think to myself, "Dang, I hope they don't do it, cause there is no way I'm going through with that." A natural loss of privilege that is tied to a lack of responsibility is what I look for in determining consequences. An example would be loss of group-work privileges (have to work individually) for persistently being off-task.

Dear Dr Meadows ....

I LOVE being able to blog!!!!! This post began as an email to a prof that I admire. I had started some research during the month between semesters and found some exciting stuff that I soooo wanted to share. After I wrote the email, I felt it looked too much like a stalker. This is why I love blogs: I can vent/reflect/post and seem normal (not seem like a stalker).


 I know I'm a geek. With that said, in anticipation of my Classroom Management class, I started googling classroom discipline. That led to the concept of student motivation and discovering a RSA animation of Dan Pink (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6XAPnuFjJc). I checked-out two of his books, A Whole New Mind and Drive, from the Sternes Library. I started reading A Whole New Mind (this is my official summary) and saw parallels to the Methods class I had last fall. The theories in A Whole New Mind and the 4MAT method of teaching presented by Bernice McCarthy in my Methods class are based on right and left brain modality. For so long the left brain thinking has been the star of the classroom; if you could memorize and regurgitate, you were considered brilliant and got scholarships. Creative thinkers take longer to formulate approaches because they are drawing from a larger pool of information and don't do as well on timed, standardized tests.

Left brain thinking has information compartmentalized. If it's a math problem, you go to the math room and pull out the formula(s) that go with the problem and use them. Right brain thinkers have all the information in one room, maybe in separate piles, but not labeled math, science, or English. So when they have a math problem, they have to evaluate what kind of math. If it's a geometry problem involving angles, then you go to the pile that has formulas involving angles. But that pile also has soccer plays in it, racquetball shots, photo/lighting theories, crochet designs, force vectors: information not directly related to math. So filtering through the pile to find the right information can take a little time. All the testing to get into grad school felt like swimming against a flood. They don't want to know what I know, but how fast I can process it. Why the time limits? I know what I know at the beginning and the end. It's not like I'll magically learn something while I'm sitting in that sterile, empty environment.

From the 19th century to the 20th century we moved from an Industrial Age to an Information Age. We are now transitioning into a Conceptual Age, and the aptitudes of the left-brain will no longer be sufficient for success. Any job that can be outsourced or automated must be re-shaped to satisfy the aesthetic, emotional, or spiritual demands of a prosperous era. There are six essential right-brain aptitudes that can be re-developed (we had them as kids) to complement the functions of the left-brain, creating a whole new mind. These aptitudes are design, story, symphony, empathy, play, and meaning.
 

On to reading Drive, and reflecting on it. Understanding motivation is the key to engagement and discipline in the classroom. I've always known that the stick and carrot philosophy were weak (pseudo) motivators and yet were simple to implement (mindlessly, without having to have any knowledge or insight into the individual). When you implement it you know it's not changing anything inside the child, but now you have done your duty and can say, "Its not my fault, I  tried!"

A teachers job is kind of like parenting teens: not controlling, but influencing.